Police have been told to stop calling pensioners "old biddies" or "dear" in an official guide on appropriate language. They have also been banned from using terms such as "love" or saying gay people "bat for the other side".
The Appropriate Language Guide tells officers to avoid insulting members of the public or colleagues by using offensive terms linked to gender, age, disability, ethnicity and sexual orientation.
But critics said officers in a modern force would be only too aware not to use terms such as "Mongol" Spaz", Retard" or "coloured" while dealing with the public or colleagues.
It reads: "You should be aware that some people may not enjoy being referred to as "one of the boys" or "one of the girls" and adds "In a similar way, you need to be aware that terms such as "dear", "pet", or "love" can be devaluing and patronising, particularly when used by older staff towards younger staff. They are best avoided."
The guide warns that terms such as "Afro-Caribbean" or "African-Caribbean", although used in the force's official documents, "can prove offensive to those of African or Caribbean ethnicity who have been born in Britain".
With regards to sexual orientation, where "phrases and euphemisms abound", the guide advocates language which is "direct, factual and, therefore, professional".
It adds: "Phrases such as "a person of the other persuasion", "a woman with lesbian tendencies" and "he/she bats for the other side" should be avoided."
Police chiefs were unable to say how much the guide cost to produce, but a police spokeswoman said: "The Appropriate Language Guide was produced by the force to complement the diversity training course that all staff attend."
Carl Watt, director of Stonewall Scotland, welcomed the guide, and said: "Lothian and Borders Police have a track record of working to build trust with the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community and making great efforts to ensure everybody is treated equally and fairly."
It's like something out of a Monty Python Movie isn't it?