Stop Press: EU Directive 2020/499604-En

There is no such thing as Cultural Marxism; there is no such thing as Political Correctness. We...whereas...heretofore...be it known...in the name of... (wave flag to background of anthem) let it be known that we truly have only your very dear interests at heart and we are working very hard to assure you of our good intentions. However, the following are examples of 'jokes' that are authorised and verboten.

Authorised:

"An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Jew, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African, all went to a night club.

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

Verboten:

"A blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry,' St Peter said, 'but Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we've been forced to have an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals. It's the right thing to do.'

'That's okay,' said the blonde, 'What does the entrance exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T''? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?' The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought.

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that, indeed, the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then,' he said, 'can I have your answer to the second of the three questions? How many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' He walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This perplexed St Peter and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he couldn't stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, he asked, 'How in God's name did you arrive at *that* answer?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'

And the blonde entered Heaven ..."

Any repetition of this joke will result in your name being entered on The Register. Remember our motto: Be good, be sheep and stand to attention when we talk to you.